We see things not as they are, but as we are.

Life’s a trigger

Triggers, triggers everywhere 

So not a bite I’ll eat.

Whenever i write the word “eat” into my phone my predictive text changes it to “fat”

It’s like the whole world is one fucking trigger after another!

I absolutely despise when over-weight or obese people say ” Ohhh i don’t want to lose weight, i would hate to go around looking like all those anorexic girls…..” 

Emmm, excuse me, who the fuck are you, of all people, to pass judgement on what other people look like?! 

Why is it that you can call me anorexic and skeletal and gaunt and dead anytime you like but i can’t even mention the f-word to you? It’s a complete double standard!! 

Fucking pisses me off sooo much!!!

Friend 1: “Babe oh my god, like we were worried about you for such a long time.”

Friend 2: “She’s totes right! You looked gaunt and grey and you would shake all the time, you seemed dead.”

Friend 3: “You weren’t ever happy and even those few times when we could pull you out of you’re own world, you were faking the smile, the laugh, the joy, it was obvious.”

Friend 4: :But you seem so much better now!! you look much healthier, you really seem back to your old self. We’re so proud of you.

Me: So the weight gain is noticeable, shit better start all over again!

NOT eating is NOT fun!

I’ve started slipping back into serious restriction again after about a month of trying to get healthy and let me tell you, it’s not exciting and it doesn’t make me feel happy. It is not fun!

I’m hungry, I’m not afraid the admit it. All those girls that go around saying “ohh i never even feel the hunger anymore”… bullshit…  You can feel it and it fucking hurts! It hurts so much that all I want crawl up into a ball and rock and sob my eyes out, ALL THE TIME!! 

I’m not trying to sound like a whiney bitch here but that is something people don’t like to talk about and i don’t think that’s right. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

You’re not a failure or weak just because you’re hungry, you can’t control that, as much as you might like to, if you don’t feed you’re body it will start demanding food. We’re all human that’s how we all work! 

So long story short, I’m hungry and it’s killing me that i can not give my body what it needs. I’ve let everybody down and all this is making me angry so yea… sorry tumblr rant over.

Just because my idea of fat is different to yours doesn’t make it any less significant!

i hate titles…. i never know what to write

i really hope if my friends ever saw all the thinspo on my dashboard that they’d just assume i was a lesbian and liked pictures of beautiful girls because if they found out i was relapsing again it would completely destroy the intricate veil of lies i’ve worked for hard to weave over their eyes.

It was never about the bones.

I don’t want to be skeletal.

I don’t want every single bone jutting out from my frame like some sort of foreign object.

I don’t want to look sick or broken or dead. It was never about that.

i’m tired of everyone looking at me because i’m fat. I’m tired of never being able to look at myself in the mirror. I’m tired of plastering on a smile so no one gets concerned. I’m tired of feeling helpless!

I’m just so fucking tired of being unhappy! That’s why i’m doing this. Not because i love bones, or because i want to fit into a smaller dress size. 

I’m doing this because i want something to work out……. for once in my life, I want something to fucking work out the way I planned!